Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
