A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
