I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
She's the barista slut.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
