i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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