I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
