how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
