There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
