I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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