i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
