how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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