yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
