for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
