I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
