1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
He is an equal opportunity slut.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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