Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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