Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
