I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
