Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
