the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
