Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
