Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Randomize
