The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
