Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
