I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
