Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
