Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
