I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
