my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
