K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
