Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I am naked and annoyed.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
