My cat gives me a boner
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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