There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
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