i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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