I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
