I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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