dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
