You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Randomize
