I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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