Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
