I think I died a long time ago.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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