why do cheetos always look like penises
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
