What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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