I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
