if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize
