I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
