Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
