Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
