just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
