I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Plan B is the new Plan A
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Randomize
