Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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